A MERRY HEART DOETH LIKE A MEDICINE . PROVERBS

I suppose Moses and his fellow campers sat around the campfires at night and swapped good jokes. Wish they had written some of the better ones down. Today the politically correct and sanctimonious among us have closed the damper on telling jokes. On a recent trip to Canada we got a joke or cute story from every gas station attendant or waitress. Never hear that here now. I suggest a 1% discount on the price of purchases if preceded by a pleasantries and a good story.

At the risk of riling the chronically angry, I’m posting a few good ones. Lighten up everyone! Or as the kids say “quit harshing my mellow.”

Marguerite and Elnor went to the county fair every August and Elnor would find his way to the helicopter and pine for a ride. Marguerite would say, “it’s 50 bucks apiece and well, 50 bucks is 50 bucks.” This went on for years. In their 80s and again at the county fair they stood beside the helicopter and Elnor longed out loud again for a ride. He embellished how long he had waited and that time was running out. The pilot overheard the well rehearsed exchange between Marguerite and Elnor and offered them a deal. If he took them up and either of them uttered a peep it was going to cost them $50 a piece, otherwise the ride was free. Elnor jumped at the offer. Marguerite was hesitant but always a good sport, agreed it was a deal.

The pilot took them up and pulled out every trick he new as a former Marine attack chopper pilot. Back on the ground he throttled down the engines and turned back to Elnor and said, “I’m surprised, I thought I would get something out of you two.” Elnor replied, “ I almost said something when Marguerite fell out, but you know, 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”




Subject: Fwd: MAKING A BABY..Know anybody who might need some help???


MAKING A BABY...

(There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. Enjoy! If you
haven't laughed today, you will now!)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat" After a moment she asked, blushing,? Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room
floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just hadto pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.





Subject: Wedding Anniversary
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.



I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and
1. shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping, "the homeless woman said."
I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.

The homeless Woman was shocked.
"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.

"I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."


The Honeymoon is over


Please excuse the rough language in the following story...I would've
deleted
them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
>
> A young couple got
married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride
immediately called her mother.
>
> 'Well,' said her mother, 'so how
was the honeymoon?'
>
> 'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic...'
Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd
never heard before! I
mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to
take me home...PLEASE,
MAMA!'
>> 'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother
said, 'Calm down! You need to stay with your
husband and work this out. Now,
tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?'
>
>
'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm
so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
PLEASE!!'
>
> 'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!'
>
>
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama...he used words like: dust, wash,
iron,
and cook.'
>
> 'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said
the mother.
>



1. Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."




>>
>>In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
>>
>>generic name.
>>
>>
>>
>>For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
>>
>>of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also
>> >>called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>>
>>The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
>>consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
>>it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
>>
>>
>>
>>Also considered were: Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
>>and of course, Ibepokin.
>>
>>Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
>>form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
>>use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to liter ally pour
>>himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
>>and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just
>>a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
>>
>>
>>
>>Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.
>>
>>Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
>>and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
>>there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
>>erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




Enough for today. Remember a merry heart doeth like a medicine. Eric