Report From the Front

Intrepid journalist Sean G. Overland (AP) reporting to you from the front lines of the War on Tumors. I’m honored to be embedded with these fine, brave troopers for the weekend – eating their food, sleeping in their barracks, petting their dogs – so the least I could do is share with you their amazing story.

As you have undoubtedly heard, General Ross attacked and quickly destroyed the enemy’s secret hidden base less than three weeks ago during Operation Ice-cream Scoop. While major military operations are now over, it would be premature to declare “Mission Accomplished!” For we now must seek out and destroy the remaining terrorist cells hiding in the remote and rugged hinterlands. These evil-doers are fanatical and can not be reasoned with. They hate us because of our freedom. They must therefore be eliminated with extreme prejudice.

The release of nuclear and chemical weapons has been authorized. Wednesday saw the first of many planned unconventional strikes. Chemical weapons, while expensive at $150 a day, promise to be highly effective. And no one ever said freedom was free. Our troops have also begun to employ the latest in nuke-yoo-lar weapons. These precision devices seek out and zap the remaining Glioblasto-fascists with highly-accurate bursts of radiation.

Now, you may be wondering, “Chemicals? Nukes? What about the children?” And there will undoubtedly be collateral damage and friendly-fire incidents. While the lifeless bodies of terrorist cells will certainly be found among the wreckage, also lost will be valuable members of the coalition, including T-cells, macrophages and other allies who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. We will always remember their sacrifice. But, as Lenin reportedly once said, “If you want to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs.”

But seriously, Dad looks great. It’s hard to believe it’s been less than three weeks since he had open-brain surgery. His surgical scar is rapidly disappearing behind a salt-n-pepper crew cut. He seems to be perfectly normal, but for an occasional break to put his feet up for a few minutes. He has no side-effects from the chemo or radiation so far, although we expect them to get worse as the cumulative radiation dose grows over the next six weeks. By then, we’ve been told to expect spotty hair loss and fatigue.

In closing, it couldn’t be more beautiful here at the house. The weather is spectacular. Mom’s flowers are still in full bloom. The days are sunny, but the nights and mornings are getting cool, turning our elderly dogs back into frisky puppies. The acorns, melons and squash are full-sized but have yet to turn color. We found a bright green Praying Mantis the size of a cigar next to the garage yesterday. The busy ground squirrels and darting lizards provide a constant source of fascination to the dogs. In short, Nature’s wonders continue to unfold in Happy Valley.